just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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