if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
