paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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