he was CRYING into my vagina
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
