I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
