True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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