I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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