I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
