you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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