I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
