allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
