He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Jerry, you need to find god
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
