it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So squirting runs in the family.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
