You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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