So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
