Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
