Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
