I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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