I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
