I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
