if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
