He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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