I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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