Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
