I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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