she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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