Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
