just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
