I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
