My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize