If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
