Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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