I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
