Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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