Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
