so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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