I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize