can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
