Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
