Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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