Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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