i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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