He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
