fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
