i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize