party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
