Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize