I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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