I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
