So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
