Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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