I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
