I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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