Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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