i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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