and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
