New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
