I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
pray to the hookup gods
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