My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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