Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
