I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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